The sky was in the transition state between light and dark. I stepped into the room. The voidness of the room holds a trauma that will never fade. The room is where my grandmother sat, facing north, lastly without her soul. And I shed my tears for hours, days, weeks, until I fainted. But that day had something surreal for me in the room.

What was that? A huge, dark, yellow, countless-legged giant centipede. I was taken aback at the sight of it. The centipede made a harsh sound and moved fast between my legs. I felt the segments in its body thrashing against my legs as it moved fast. That bunch of grotesquely arranged legs was just crossing my legs, touching them.

I wanted to trace it. Because I hadn't seen the full body of the centipede. It appeared mysterious to me. I wanted to kill it. I started chasing it, and it crawled faster. It started to crawl onto the wall. I, with a panicked heart, threw the old chisel at it. And half of the body of the centipede fell down. I saw a hand from the big upper body, letting the short bottom part fall down. And the part fell down. It was motionless. I thought it was meaningless to chase the fallen-down part. fell-down-part I wanted to know the mystery of the upper part. I chased it again. It went higher into the margosa tree, climbing up like the coiled snake of the Garden of Eden, or the Caduceus, or Kundalini, or as in the abdomen of Baphomet. When it went up into the leaves, I wanted a view of it from the ground. So, I moved apart. Then I saw my house, which is half-built and half-complete. Yet, the centipede was not visible. I couldn't believe that I had let it go somewhere. I really wanted to kill it. The sound it made, the touch it gave to my legs, those brushy legs didn't deserve a life, I thought. into-sky When I came back to the room, I saw the fallen-down part, motionless. When I took it in my hand, it suddenly gained movement and injured my hands. I felt a sharp kind of pain. I saw my hands turning reddish around the bite mark. The portion was moving around the room without a brain controlling it; it couldn't find death. It wanted to shake its hands with the remaining real part, which had gone into the world and was yet to be found.

And I woke up suddenly. With slight eye irritation and redness, I checked my phone. It was around 9:45 pm. I had lain down on the bed around 6:30 pm. But it's not my habit. What made me sleep early and get a dream like this? The day and the continuous grinding in my mind!

Some days ago, I created a mastery plan for learning unseen AI concepts and gaining real-world expertise in those untouched parts. But looking at the continuous advent of technologies, the so-called mind in me doesn't accept anything as a canonical source of material. You can console it using a thousand philosophical angles, but what I've got inside is stubborn. It has to be fooled in an appropriate way. It has to be fed the dopamine drink, which is holier than the bread and wine of Catholics, more intoxicating than the toddy of the South, the mead of honey, the wines upper varnas offer to devas in the Rig Veda, and whatnot.

I got vexed. I loved the solitude in the office, and that's why I visit the office all the days, including WFH days. But Friday hit differently. office-alone It's an absence of words indeed, but also that of activeness. Mental dilution is common, but it could affect me heavily. I saw the release of Astra and started reading the usual hype and some early startups' early adoption of it. In the Discord group, where I saw a lot of researchers posting stuff, I felt too dark, as I am not into any of it. I also looked into my past works and past versions, the past me, the past works. Of course, I've made big, big, big progress. Yet, it's not enough for the stubborn internal chief.

I put my AI curriculum away. I stopped looking into it. Am I slightly hating my passion? Yes! Call it so! But love indeed entails hatred. But not today! No love today! I've lost all my vril thinking about it. As a result, I couldn't even wear my fake smile when my inter-company friends came near the door. I felt dizziness and then a one-sided headache.

I wanted rest. But, in the meantime, is someone releasing an unprecedented paper? Someone receiving recognition? At a time when someone is spending time on the startup they've built? Everybody's bowl is being filled with something productive. Mine? Of course, yes! From the outer world's perspective, but the stubborn internal has unique standards.

It was almost 5:30 pm. I came back to Besant Nagar, where I stay, with a headache and dull eyes. The mind controls the body, and it controlled mine. I laid my body onto the bed and closed my eyes.

I saw the things I have to learn as a giant centipede. For some reason, it is tied to my grandmother, because the life I am living is because of her prayers, as per her opinion, and because of her sacrifices for me, as per my opinion.

I also saw the path I've come so far as the part that fell down from the giant centipede. The part felt deadish. No movement. No activeness. When I chased the things I had to learn, it constantly rose into the sky. It was continuously evolving and becoming a mystery. I wanted to pursue it forever, till my last breath.

I saw my house half-built in between the chase. Yes! This passion, which became my profession, filled my bowl enough to build this half-house. The other half has to come from the endless part I am chasing and learning, and that spits out a version of me.

The fallen-down part really stung me. What I already have is really painful when I digest it. I am longing badly for the next version. I wanted the full centipede.

So, that's the meaning of my dream. But why should it be a centipede and this symbolic? Because I am more into these animals and symbolism. Among all the dreams I have had, this one is the masterpiece. Sorry, a monster-piece!

When I confessed this to my human friend, his advice was to take a break from these ridiculous learnings and show-offs. But would it be enough to convince the stubborn internal? That part of me is not demanding rest, but proof that I am not falling behind.